New Questions and Answers
July 2008
Following is an interview question that Lisa and Foster answered for an article for iparenting.com- a popular online parenting magazine:
How important is it to stay on top of your child's condition as far as asking them and checking on them? When children are young it is obviously absolutely necessary that parents make sure they follow doctor’s orders. If they don’t, the child may die (like in the case of cystic fibrosis or diabetes). During the elementary years, it is fairly easy to make kids comply. There may be some resistance, but for the most part, we can force them into medical compliance with reminding, ranting, raving and rescuing. This works just fine up until about age eleven but then there is a new day a-dawning when children hit the teen years.
Around the time of puberty, chemistry causes a child’s brain chemistry to change so that they understand analogy and metaphor and thoughtfully weigh situational ethics. This “higher-order” thinking also means they may be less likely to simply accept their parents' view of the world. Continuing to use power-parenting methods now can backfire. Children may become rebellious about many things including medical routines. Parents understandably come down harder on the child and thus the child becomes even more rebellious and resistant. It can become a desperate, heartbreaking and downward spiraling cycle. We have heard story after story like this with teens rebelling and landing themselves in the hospital severely ill.
This is what our whole program is about- to teach parents the skills which will help them avoid this vicious and potentially deadly cycle. It is sad enough when a child rebels against his illness just because that is what kids do but it is saddest of all when a child rebels against a parent and uses his illness as a weapon in the war against being over-controlled.
The short answer to this challenge is to begin consultant parenting as early as possible. This means sharing control and allowing children to make their own choices and experience the consequences of their choices with the adult there to provide love and encouragement but not rescue (unless there is danger to life or limb). The message the consultant parent sends is this: You’d best do your own thinking because the quality of your life has a lot to do with your own decisions.
We need to stress that parents must never allow a child to experience natural consequences which can result in danger to life or limb. So with issues like diabetes or severe allergies, parents must intervene. But even when natural consequences can't be used to "do the teaching," logical (or imposed) consequences often can. And, when parents adopt the consultant parent approach around everything else like schoolwork, chores, etc. then the sense of personal responsibility carries over into the medical arena as well.
Click here to read the iparenting article titled: Parenting Special Needs Children: Top 5 Qualities of Successful Special Parents by Teri Brown
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These concepts are from the book “Parenting Children with Health Issues: Essential Tools, Tips and Tactics for Raising Kids with Chronic Illness, Medical Conditions and Special Healthcare Needs” by Foster W. Cline, M.D and Lisa C. Greene.
Dr. Cline is a child psychiatrist, author, and co-founder of Love and Logic. Lisa is the mother of two children with cystic fibrosis and a parent coach. For free audio, articles and other resources, visit www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com.
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Copyright 2008 by Foster Cline MD and Lisa Greene. All rights reserved.
